John Carter To Be Re-released As R-Rated Film

Disney Studios are taking an unconventional approach to addressing the lacluster box office returns of their film John Carter: they have hired legendary producer Felix Farmer to recut the film as an R-rated movie. The re-rating will mostly be due to Farmer’s most controversial decision re: the re-release: footage of actress Lynn Collins who portrays Martian princess Dejah Thoris will be reshot with Collins topless.
“When I was approached by Disney to see what could be done to turn around the box-office returns of John Carter” says Farmer, “I was reluctant. After all, science fiction and fantasy are genres are not my usual stock in trade.  But when I discovered that the lead female character in the movie was topless and scantily clad in the original books, a light bulb went off in my head. After all, Disney practically had her looking like an Amish washwoman compared to the source material.
“So I thought why not make the girl topless throughout the film, and maybe add some risque material throughout? After all, it did wonders for that Shame Of The Jungle movie years ago and that was Burroughs, too! Not to mention that’s what saved my movie Night Wind all those years ago.”
Actress Collins immediately agreed to the reshoots. “Hey, all I’ve had since shooting John Carter was a callback on an Ivory Snow commercial, but they decided to go in a different direction and ended up casting someone else. But when I discovered Felix Farmer was behind the reimagining of John Carter, I knew I had to get involved. His work did wonders in rejuvenating the career of his wife, the actress Sally Miles, who’s a personal hero of mine. She took her top off for him for Night Wind, and look what it did for her career? And she was an Oscar winner when she did that!”
John Carter will be withdrawn from all theatres after the last showing in theatres on Thursday. Then after all the prints arrive, the re-edited footage (which has been in the works for quite some time) will be inserted into the film, which will be in a limited re-release the following Friday, with a wider release the week after that.
And there will be another innovation utilized in the re-release: “I will have tracking inserted into all prints of the re-release, so if any perverts try to bootleg or take pictures of Collins’s boobies in the theatre, we’ll know which theatre it came from, and strike quickly and definitely. And I’m not talking about wussy court action, either. You’ll wish we took ya to court by the time we’ll get done with ya. If ya wanna see ‘em, you’ll have to pay for it.”
And to increase the box-office returns on the re-release, this version will be in theatres only, with no home video release of this version. “That was the main condition to get Collins to sign up,” said a studio insider. “Sure, we could’ve went with a stand-in and inserted her nude body footage, but Farmer insisted on getting her. And that was the deal: once its out of theatres, its gone. Plus, Disney gets enough crap from all the religious whackos for the stuff they do. It was the only way they could see to contain this?”
And that has been cited as a reason for releasing this news today, on a Sunday. “After all, they don’t go on the computer on Sundays,” said the chatty insider. “I don’t think they’re allowed to use electricity or anything. I guess the only reason they’re allowed to put on their clothes is because they’re so prudish.”